I’ve always been victim to a fascination of the outdoors. More specifically I would say being lost with in it. There is something about being free of a pressing reminder of man that is so liberating. In this space my breath is smoother, my shoulders relaxed. It all feels so right.
My recent move to California (I say recent when really I’ve been here a good 10 months) has especially played a significant role in clarifying this realization. Here there are so many escapes into the wild that I am full in the swing of it. As many sunsets as I can, I strive to hike among the Redwoods, peering at the cotton candy colored streaks of clouds that break through the gap in branches. On weekends, I hug the coast, scaling the side of sea kissed cliffs, exploring a world I’ve never seen face to face. Here there is such honesty, no denying what truly is. There is no illusion. Here there are no signs, no cell signals. Only sounds of seals echo from the distant island of rocks to the shore where I sit in the swirl of it all. No other thoughts seem to cross my mind. I am completely capsulated by the experience. Why is it that these portraits of knee-high wheat grass, sprinkled with the profiles of wild flowers have such a control over my soul? This feels so like home.
As I find myself now I’m comfortably sitting on the balcony of our apartment. A tiger stripped sky of baby blue and salmon clouds greets my eyes. I sit here often to reflect. To think on the process of it all, to explore what possibilities exist in my mind. Today, and honestly recently as a whole, I have been grappling with this idea of escape. In one corner I can see I have found what makes me happier than most everything in this world. Yet opposite of this empowering sensation, a beaten and tamed mind points out the flaws and faults of my plan. I have worked with tools in my past, and witnessed the hold of a strong vice, I have in my younger days been victim to the burning result of an Indian Rug Burn (I apologize for the insensitive naming) yet I have never met something with such a strong grasp as my whipped mind. For every irrefutable attempt I make my mind finds a way to bend my words, highlight my insecurities, and fill me with anxiety from the valueless perceived thoughts of others. Like so many ideas dead before fruition this one as well often finds its way to the back of my focus, out of sight, residing in the shadow of thought until one more encounter with these scenes draw the sparks back out.
I must admit I have gotten quite tired of this process. Committed, uncommitted, fully bought in, fully in hiding, this tug of war of sorts has continually taken a toll. Conscious of this angst, this teetering feeling of fulfillment, I have as of lately become far stronger in my beliefs. In the last few days, this life free of a “societally prescribed plan” has continually been building a roaring heat in side my chest. I can feel my breaking point must be near. No longer do the gadgets and gizmos seem so enticing, no longer does the security of retirement seem so significant if the risk of life was never taken. I am deciding today that this fear-based argument, which keeps me stuck in my ways, is no longer in charge. There is no point in thought around this topic, only action shall reside. Why debate with myself when I can simply choose.
To be completely honest I am absent of confidence in how this decision may unfold. My most hopeful guess however, is that it will all work out, funny enough things always seem to. But there is always uncertainty, and while in the past I was quite fond of inviting in this gap in self-efficacy today I have closed the door and locked the house. Rather than fantasize on the millions of wrongs that could arise, let me call their bluff, let me invite life to unfold in the way I feel whole in. When the cards are down, and I have done this, then we will truly only know.
I must now take a moment to pause and apologize. It seems in the midst of this ravishing build up I have spent extensive time describing the issue but not the plan of solution. Where I am now in life, I have been extremely fortunate for many things. I have a family that floods me with support when needed, a “path” that is promising, supported by a good square job and the potential for more, and many possessions that I am extremely grateful for. However, many of these items as of late have lost their value. Rather than my family and relationships with others, I do not seem to be able to find the importance of living conventionally. Having said this my plan is to relieve myself of this assumed responsibility. To live minimally, in an old van, with nothing more than what I need. To take each day with a new investment in the now, to explore my mind, and what I truly believe in, all from the nomadic shell of a Chevy automobile.
To begin such a journey I must first start with ridding of my current excess. To put it more bluntly, I need to sell all of my shit! Using various techniques I will gradually eliminate the items that fill empty space in my room. If I don’t need it, and it serves no true purpose, I would rather pass it on to someone who is in need. I certainly suspect this will be tough as many emotional bonds are built between one and their items. I am no stranger to this, I have surely felt this struggle before. However it is the growth in this process, this pushing against my doubt, that is the inexperienced frontier I look forward to witnessing. What “Me” lies on the other side of following my passion? What transformation does honest and completed commitment yield? I imagine I am soon to find out.
As the future continues to unravel into the now I plan to take you along on this journey. Through this blog, and other mediums I hope to express my thoughts, my feelings, & my experiences, as honest and real as can be. In this process of doing what I feel is right for myself I additionally want to work on being okay with expressing that.
In completion of these thoughts, I must now begin the process earlier described of releasing my belongings. I plan to document this process each day, with updates of my success, my failure, and lessons learned along the way. Whether you decide to follow along each day, or maybe just stop by once and then never again, I thank you for doing so.
What a mysterious journey lies head, I must now begin.